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Nursing a broken heart

Feeling like I could die
Feeling like I could die
967 days ago 4 comments Categories: Dating and Personals Tags: boyfriend, relationship, heartbroken, love

I needed somewhere to get this out. My friends are a huge help but I still dont feel like they understand right now, without dealing with their own broken heart at the same time, ya know?

This man meant the world to me. From the moment I met him, I was physically attracted. Finally one day, after talking to me a few times at work, he emailed me told me what a great job I had done that night, and asked for my number. God was I excited, I drove home with my phone in hand (stupid I know) but I could not miss this guys call! He text about 10 mins after I told him I would be getting off work. It was like instant chemistry. I was on top of the world.

I asked him about a girlfriend and he said "been divorced three years" now that I think about it, Im not quite sure he answered my question...I think he may have had a girlfriend at the time, or still been seeing an ex. Even after a year and a half im still not sure. I believed everything this man told me. He was my only true weakness. He was an amazing father to his children and said he would never introduce them unless she was special. That proved to be true.

After the initial few weeks of him calling and texting me all the time, it became more so me that initiated conversation. I got to know this man, even though we kept it a secret at work, but I knew I had to break down his walls of insecurity and mistrust. His exes were evil, right? He always told me if he ever didnt want to be in a relationship he would tell her and over and done it would be. So heres how it all played out...

Feb 2011, exchanged numbers. Started talking. Everyday. All the time. We used to laugh because people at work thought we were dating but we would deny it. They said they could tell he liked me by how much he was around me. I was thrilled that others noticed. I drove two hours to see him one night when we were both off work, spent a few hours at his place. He said his sister and kids were there sleeping. I didnt end up staying the night, we just hung out for a while then I went home.

We continued this relationship for a few months, it always got better and better. Then in June/July that year he went out on medical, had to have surgery. Well during this time we fell apart. Didnt talk nearly as much, didnt see each other one time the whole 6 months he was off. He had surgery and spent all the time with his kids, right? He doesnt use facebook but has one, so I decided to look him up on there. I saw pics of him and his ex, dating back to just before we started talking in Feb. So was he with her still at that point, I dont know, he says no when Ive asked. So that was it, we were done.

Nov 2011 he comes back to work. Instantly he is waiting for me when I get there. We start talking. He blames me, I forgot about him, quit calling, blah blah. I should have ran. Instead I wanted to prove that I cared for this man and I would never do the things he was accusing me of! We became a couple, decided it would be just the two of us, not seeing anyone else. I immediately stopped talking to the man I was beginning to date at that time. Things we GREAT to say the least. He spent all the time at my place, didnt really care who knew we were together. Called me constantly, hung around me at work. Everything was so good it was like a dream come true for me. I was falling in love with this man. And Im sure he knew it. I introduced him to my kid, my family. All was prefect in my world.

Or so I thought, I cant say I ever really believed the things he told me. They all seemed like little white lies. But they were so stupid I thought why would anyone lie about those things? I mean things so small like waking up late. Just everything. I wanted to much to believe he was the person I made up in my head that I over looked all my gut instincts.

Eventually we got closer and those instincts got stronger. He blamed me all the time for accusing him, which is something I would never have done without "that feeling". BUt I would feel absolutely terrible and apologize, apologize, apoligize. I quit working there and would still drive an hour to work just to take him dinner, or see him for a minute if he wasnt coming over that night. Most nights he still spent at my place. He called it home now. We were planning to move in together.

He started going through financial issues. I borrowed him some money, no problem, I loved this man, he was my future, Id get it back. There were so many times I felt like breaking it off, even told him that, and he would assure me we were fine, I was going crazy over nothing. I knew to trust my gut and I didnt!!! Finally just a few weeks ago he didnt answer his phone all night, no texts nothing, and he would always call me before and after work yet lately, he wasnt. I was scared, I thought he was in a terrible accident or something. What other reason was there?? Finally the next morning he called, he forgot his phone at work. WHEW! I felt like a million bucks, he was ok.

Well that day was his birthday, I look at his facebook, which he doesnt use, remember. THeres a new friend, and she posts Happy Birthday Baby, its just a picture , not her actual words but hmm ok...So then hes friends with her mom? Who is this girl, so I ask him. OMG here we go, ill never trust him, im accusing him, im a horrible girlfriend, I should just leave in that case. Let me again reiterate that I did EVERYTHING to keep this man happy. Only now to find out hes cheating? He couldnt be, he wouldnt, he always said he would leave me first. So we make up and things are ok, for a week. She posts something else, hmm ok. I break it off this time. But im dying inside and out. He tells me im so wrong I have no idea. Shes a friend he helped through some stuff. ok. Im a jerk. How could I?? Whats wrong with me, Ive never behaved this way, why am I going crazy. I have no reason not to trust this man who loves me like crazy! Then all of a sudden hes cold, mean, and treating me like garbage. Telling people terrible lies about me. And I look at facebook, theyre in a relationship?? Huh??? Wtf, how, when. I ask him. He says leave me alone, no calls, no texts, you dont know what youre talking about, i dont use facebook. Wow seriously? Hes still denying it? Now shes posting pics of them together =(


I have never been so hurt or sad in all my life. I dont want to get out of bed. I cant eat. I dont want to eat. Nothing looks or sounds good. I am miserable. I know he realized I am too good for him and probably gonna leave him anyways so he mind as well do it first. I see theyre using the "I love you" already and supposedly its been two months together. Yet he just introduced me to his children three weeks ago. NO idea why he would do that when he was already seeing her. I just feel like I could die. How could I ever trust him and let him in my life? I miss him so much. I cry everytime I talk about it. My friends cant understand it because Ive always been the strong one, never cry, always give great relationship advice, hell never even had a broken heart. I know how to do this. Why is this time so different?? Im lost, confused, mentally broken down to nothing. I love this man and he hates me. Wont even speak to me for some closure. Wont even return my things, including my house key. I havent contacted him in days, maybe a week now, I dont know. I m just lost. I feel like half of me is missing. Whats a girl to do?? How can I get back to normal??? Was I ever normal to begin with?? I miss him so much, I want to stop hurting. It physically hurts to miss him like this!

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  •  Angelee49 wrote 818 Days Ago (neutral) 
    We give men so much power they don't earn or deserve. I believe women are nurturing by nature, and men take advantage of this to no end. Pick yourself up and understand the best revenge is to let her have him and you go on and flourish. Treat yourself like the Queen you are. However, you must claim this title and live as so. Nothing worth having comes too easy! I'll be praying for you!!!
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  •  Lynette7515 wrote 838 Days Ago (neutral) 
    I am in a little bit of a similar situation right now. I know my ex is moving on but he refuses to admit it to me. He deliberately lies to me. He did tell me he doesn't want to work out our relationship anymore. The hardest part is that he still sees my children all the time. They love him and think that he is perfect. I don't want to pull him out of thier lives. I hope you find the peace and closure you deserve. I too am spending too much time thinking and hurting over his possbily loving another woman. I deserve better and deep down I think he deserves to be happy. Maybe she can love him better than I did. Maybe he has learned from him mistakes with me. I don't know. I want to be angry and am angry but I know that that may not be fair. He hurt me and then blamed my reaction. He lied to me a lot. I hope he can change that about himself so no other woman has to feel the pain I felt during our 4 years together. Good luck and I wish you the best!
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  •  TwohourDrive wrote 967 Days Ago (neutral) 
    Yeah, the 6month thing, we werent really dating so it wasnt a big deal. But all the rest of it, hes insane lol. And a sociopath is exactly what I said! Glad to hear it from an outsider!!! I know he will do it to the new girl, poor girl has no idea whats in store. My gut also tells me hes not through with me, he will be back, but I will NOT! Yes I have the workbook, read a ton last night, this is actually where I came after writing the letter to him. I realized I had so many unanswered questions, but I knew in my heart that I was right. I like to hear it from other people though lol =) Thank you =) And the book is helping a ton!
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  •  admin wrote 967 Days Ago (neutral) 
    Wow. I'm so sorry to hear this! The guy sounds like a sociopath. I cannot believe he was lying to you the whole time...and really? For 6 months you didn't see him when he went on medical leave? That is just so odd.

    I know there are people out there who are just liars. They like to lie. They like the feeling they get when they get away with something. And that's just their life. He lied to you, he will lie to this new gal, and they will break up & on & on & on. I feel sorry for everyone he dates in the future.

    But for now, do you have The Breakup Workbook? I think it'll help you while you're in the mood to do some writing & you're trying to move on. If not, just go to the library or the book store & get a ton of books to keep your mind occupied while you heal. Sitting around & thinking/wondering is likely the worst part of a breakup.

    I know you want closure, but I think listening to your gut is the best idea now. He cheated on you. He lied to you. He is not a good person - and certainly not someone you can EVER trust. Concentrate on that.
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