I am truly at a very difficult place at the moment. I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year (we are both 24). He has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I love him with all my heart. We've had a fantastic year together, and he is the first person I've ever loved. I lost my virginity to him, we've gone on holidays, he's looked after me when I've been sick..I just love him so much. A few weeks ago, we were having a chat about how we felt about each other, and I casually asked 'so do you think I'm the one' (expecting he would say yes) but he replied 'oh, I don't know, how could I know that'. I was a little hurt but accepted it as a fair response. (I at this point would have said he probably is the one for me). So then somehow we progressed to talking about our future and ended up talking about marriage/long term commitment. He expressed how this makes him uncomfortable and he thinks it is ridiculous we should be talking about it at this stage of the relationship. Foolishly, I asked questions like 'can't you imagine some day wanting to marry me?' to which he would say 'I don't know..if you asked any man that after a year they would run a mile'.
Obviously, being head over heels in love with him this hurt me. I wasn't asking for a proposal or anything close to that, and let me make it clear that marriage is a very long way off in my plans, but I can't understand why it's so difficult for the man I love to be so uncomfortable talking about this with me. Anyway, I can accept that he doesn;t want to think about such things, and I guess that's fine, but the problem I have is with my own feelings. We went to a wedding together at the weekend, and my mind was filled with thoughts of us spending the rest of our lives together. I try to stop feeling this way, but I can't be with him and love him and not think these things. I feel it is just natural. I feel so confused because when we are together, I feel so loved and we have a great relationship. He tells me he loves me all the time, but yet he won't consider our future. I feel that this is going to be a hufe issue for us, since we've argued about it a few times. I have this feeling now that I love him more than he loves me, and I cant shake it. I've expressed to him that it hurts me that he is uncomfortable talking about spending his life with me, and he repsonds by saying that either I accept things for how they are now, or leave it. I don't know what to do. I'm so in love with him, and I know he loves me a lot too, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the strength of it that I feel.
What is to be done when 2 people love each other at different levels?
I'd really appreicate any thoughts/advise. Thanks guys.
[L[Quote]] • 28.10.2010 17:38 • [L[0 points]] •
[L[Quote]] • 29.10.2010 10:57 • [L[0 points]] •
I can understand you wanting him to feel the same amount of love as you do for him. I hate it when it seems like I have stronger feelings for a person then they do for me. But in regards to your situation, I think you should just give him some time. It seems like he does love you but just doesn’t want to talk about marriage and the future right now. Just because he is not ready to talk about the future right now doesn’t mean that he doesn’t see you in it. Just maybe give him some time and see how he feels after some more time that you’ve been together.
I would say just enjoy the relationship and don’t feel bad about him shying away from the conversation. When you guys have been together a little bit longer then see where his head is. But Right now the both of you are 24 years old so enjoy it and then maybe bring up the “future conversation” down the line.
[L[Quote]] • 31.10.2010 11:05 • [L[0 points]] •
After a year I don't think it's too much to ask that you talk about your expectations and aspirations. At 24 you probably want to know if there's going to be a future and you want to know what you're partner's expectations are.
It's important to know if you're expectations are so different that you're incompatible in the long term.
I'm in a similar situation: my boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years (I'm actually almost 23) but he knows for a fact that he will never want to be married and never wants to have children. I need to know that to work out what my priorities are. It turns out that my priority is him. We are madly in love and we are best friends so right now HE is my priority. But one day if my priorities change and he still doesn't want children, I can't say he didn't tell me.
Does that make sense?
[L[Quote]] • 07.11.2010 19:13 • [L[0 points]] •
Hey. I was with my b/f yesterday and we heard a kid screaming and he goes, "No thanks!" And I thought...wait, does this mean that he NEVER wants kids? But I haven't been with him long enough to ask him about it. I figure that 6 weeks is too early. ha ha ha. But if he doesn't want them I may have to rethink it. So maybe knowing now how he feels is enough to make you question him. But then again, you are very young. Have you talked about it again?
[L[Quote]] • 26.01.2011 14:24 • [L[0 points]] •
I personally don't think you are too young to be wondering this. I think you have a valid concern. Do you know whether marriage is in the cards for him a all or if he is simply opposed to marriage completely. I understand if he is not ready to be married yet, but if he is the type who doesnt want marriage at all, and you do, the relationship will have some serious trouble. I would sit him down and express that you are not pressuring him for marriage but you need to know if in the future you might go down that road. If he says he is opposed to marriage, you might have some serious thinking to do. If he says he does intend to marry then just let the topic go for a while and then approach it again when you feel its time (about a year or two later.)
[L[Quote]] • 27.01.2011 12:59 • [L[0 points]] •
Everyone is different and in different situations but I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents. When I was 24 I was absolutely terrified of the thought of marriage, but I was sure I had my stuff together and I didn't have any concerns about the future. It wasn't that I didn't love my boyfriend or when I did think about the future, figure he'd be in it, it is just a big commitment to flippantly discuss. We did not end up staying together and the next guy I was with basically forced me into an engagement(a blog I am working on- as a somewhat cautionary tale). I knew I'd never marry him but kept up the charade until I could safely leave him. I say that because alternately, you wouldn't want that lipservice from him either.
I don't think this means you love him more, my advice would be to let go and enjoy the present. It sounds like he isn't opposed to marriage but just doesn't want to discuss it until he's ready. What's the alternative? Leaving an otherwise good relationship?